Fucking useless excuse for a service provider.
But how lovely to return to so many wonderful comments! AND I get to catch up on reading all your blogs in one go. Absolutely marvellous! :)
Good thing my days are filled with a packed schedule of fuck-all. Really, I’ve got so much fuck-all to fit into a day, I just don’t know how I do it. Personally, I think it has a LOT to do with being pleasantly stoned for a most of the day, but perhaps I digress.
Right. A point. Things that have happened, you say?
Hmmm...
Oh! Playing chicken.... with chicken! The little joke does make me giggle; HOWEVER, being forced to digest chicken for the first time in over six months is a little less amusing. Rather, nauseating and painful, it was.
Enter, my father. With his newest idea to force me to admit my ED. Or, in an idea that would be both VERY African of him and VERY fucking typical, an attempt to force my ED in submission. In an odd moment of déjà vu, in through the front door I walked, dumped my bag and sat – and then POW, a plate of chicken is slammed down in front of me with a stony look that said to me clear as if he had fucking shouted it into my face – “I am watching you. I know what is going on. Eat. Or give me conclusive evidence. And don’t even THINK about going to the toilet afterwards.”
Well, I HAVE been accused of being competitive and stubborn...
So, I ate the fucking chicken. Not ALL of it, but enough for him to stop peering at me so suspiciously when he thought I wasn’t looking. Way to attempt to subtlety there, old man.
And I fucking sat there defiantly and digested it. While my skin CRAWLED with disgust and my stomach rolled uncomfortably.
But you know what?
I am feeling... better.
New.
Energised.
Stronger, more motivated, more focused.
Because this morning I was 127.6lbs – and it would appear that a good solid loss is fucking EXACTLY what I needed to lever me out of my funk and back onto form.
Or back into denial.
But whatever. I am shaking off the melancholy of my last post and moving forwards. This post will end optimistically, I feel rejuvenated and I have a PLAN. I will strive and work for the only thing I know how to – I will become skinnier.
Because skinny is beautiful.
And I will deal with any forthcoming problems as and when they arise.
I feel compelled to publish a selection of before and after photos for your perusal;
Two from before;
And two from NOW;
Lots of love and heartfelt thanks for all your lovely comments, my darlings :)
11 comments:
You're beautifulgorgeousthindarling.
I promise I'm not lying.
You truly are.
God, and your skin! It looks really silky and smooth. I have this thing with skin. Skin is beautiful, you know? 'Cause it's the largest organ in (on?) the body.
I totally know what you mean about it being hard to digest chicken though, sweetie. I feel your pain.
OMG your legs! They go on forever!! I would kill for suck slim sexy legs. My stumps are jealous. You are gorgeous!
That fricken website is Epic! Got it on my side bar links now.
xoxo's zen
You look fantastic! Way to take on that chicken.. haha :-)
I'm glad you've come such a long way. You're an inspiration. Stay strong and beautiful!
You are gorgeous! :]
Keep up the amazing work
Love
Lilah
Girl, you are beautiful! As has been said, your legs are to die for. Good luck with you dad.
Wow I love your legs!!! You're getting so close to the goal in your sidebar there...but what is a whirl-y-gig?
Wow, you look amazing!!! I am so jealous :) You are doing so well! I haven't been able to read anyone's blog lately either.
Stay strong, and screw you dad and his chicken!!
Ha that was totally my mentality! I'll deal with problems if and when they arise. Not so much dealing now as...floating. I just put off dealing but re-gaining a little and then letting myself lose it again. Fun and games.
Eff me Hollow! Your legs!! Aaaah amazing! So jealous. And your feet. Your feet are beautiful. I don't know why, exactly.
I think I've given up lying to my parents. I pretty much told my Mum to get off my back and stop questioning whether I've eaten because it makes me worse and I'm trying to deal with the bulimia aspect, which is more of a concern. This is my new tact: admit enough to shut them up and then tell them that you're dealing and making progress but their interference only pushes you further into it and makes you retreat further into your ED. Guilt tripping. Ha.
Oof I forgot to reply to your comment, sorry!
Yes, the job gets me away from my parents! Back to Bristol I go in September, and it's full time, which my fucked up little brain is excited about because it means I'm eligible for plastic surgery on finance. So frantically working to try to save up enough to pay at least half up front. Sadly means I can't afford to live alone and indulge in my ED mania. Will have to live with other peeps and be perpetually annoyed at their presence in the kitchen. Oh well. A new body is for life (or at least 10 years) whereas rent is money down the drain. Huzzah!
I don't mean to be a nag but please please try with the b/ping. I know, I'm a hypocrite. It's just a friend of a friend died from a heart attack related to her bulimia recently. She was 23. Not inpatient or anything severe like that. Just 'normal' living with her boyfriend, living her normal life. Got me freaked I gotta admit. xxx
Swap? I've got a ridiculously long torso. Either that or short breasts. My stomach seems to go on for about 3 inches too long. I often buy 'tall' tops, even though I'm only 5'6.5". I also have small feet but really large hands, with supposedly long, elegant fingers, which would all be very well and good, if only they didn't look ridiculously over-long for my arms. So if we swap torsos and hands we might both be in proportion. Hmmm funnily enough I do have a bit of a foot fetish. I was mesmerised by Penelope Cruz's feet, of all things, in a film recently. Beautiful!
Yeah I do normally bullshit my parents a lot but it's pretty pointless seeing as they know for a fact I have an ED, have been with me through hospital, therapists, psychiatrists, medication, disability support at uni etc etc. There's only so far you can push it. So I just spin everything as if it's 'helping me get better' instead of the truth, which is usually 'helping me get thinner'...
I'm a healthcare assistant in a psychiatric hospital. Irony huh. It's sometimes amusing when I hear some of the patients are on meds I've been on in the past, I feel like going up to them and saying hey, me too! If you have a full time job you can get a loan from the surgery company to pay for some/all the costs and pay it back over a year. I want a boob job 'cause I've established that it's the only way I can stop fiddling with my body to make it the way I want. A nose job is a definite too at some point; I've been saving for that for 3 years. But boob job comes first 'cause lack of body confidence is knocking my sex life! Oh well yeah, I wouldn't want to live with randomers, but it'd be pretty shit if your friends did that to you, which is who I've lived with so far.
Ah yeah, Russell's sign. I used to get that. I've got 3 tiny scars on my knuckles from purging. No one else would spot them but they distract me often. A reminder of my weakness. It's scary how easy purging has become for me now; I love/hate it. I barely have to put my fingers in my mouth before I'm spewing everywhere. TMI, sorry! I don't really get hungry anymore, and I hate it when it comes back after I've had a binge day or two. It gets you convinced that maybe, actually you should be eating something....? You have potassium deficiency?? Please please be careful love, that's what causes the heart attacks. Spring onions and potassium supplements a-go-go please!!! xx
Oh God yes. Much as I can be a hater, I can't blame the Fox. She just has the money to back up her insecurities. If I had my hands on all that cash I'd probably be unrecognisable. And fuck yes! Scalp transplant! I have looked into plugs but apparently I'm not eligible. Hate my hair. So much.
Not to be a doom-sayer but I do think we are headed for that. Western society, especially Britain and America is so fucked up at the moment. Our attitudes to food (obesity and the rise of EDs alike) is terrifying, as is the media obsession with perfection. I'm scared to have children. It seems so hard not to fuck them up. I mean, I pretty much had a perfectly normal, happy childhood with very loving parents and I'm still a mess.
Ugh seriously, swap. Not enough room for a waist? I am ALL waist. If I belt my waist it has to be empire line, under my boobs otherwise it just looks wierd, like my waist goes on for far too long, like I've been stretched out. I think my upper body is very like Freja Beha's. Except unlike her, I don't have the long legs and narrow hips to match. I've got these stupid wide hips and short legs. So I look like a freak.
Moan.
Yep. It's a loan though so kinda like going through the bank-they'll want to assess if you're eligible and you won't be able to do EVERYTHING all in one go, if they don't think you're able to pay. So: boob job first, then the plan is to strip with my new boobs to raise the cash for a new nose :P
That is wierd. Usually it gets easier to purge. Some people say they only have to lean over the bowl or push their stomach and it all comes up. Sign your body is telling you to stop!!! 3/4 times a day must be exhausting. My most is 5 and it's a rarity. Poor poor love. Hah your bf has a point tho, must come in handy ;)
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