And now, for something completely different.

I am ruin.

I push everyone away. I cower behind my shield of bluster and indifference.

People disappoint and I cannot take any more pain.

I reach out, anxious for human contact. And I am disappointed, over and over. Stung by my friends’ indifference and the ease with which I slip unnoticed from their lives, I turn my anger and despair inwards. Inside I cry and scream and rage at the injustice, as I begin to believe I deserve this. Self loathing blooms in my heart, and my heart resolves to harden. Outside I am calm, pensive.

My façade of coping flickers and fades, growing weaker as I cling to it more desperately. I am a child, craving the familiarity of bravado. With each disappointment more of my armour falls away and I am exposed – the skin uncovered raw and pink – a fresh wound in my shell.

I cannot bear any more pain.

I must protect myself.

Grasping at the falling scales, I frantically try to cover myself, ashamed of what is underneath. I am uncertainty. I am fear. I am losing control. I claw at the inside of myself, a mess of tears, hatred and frustration – wishing myself unaffected. Longing to be blackened and cold. Hoping for numbness.

I must push everyone away.

I wish myself away, into some dark, long undisturbed corner of my mind.

Perhaps pain will not find me there.

Somewhat odd change of pace: some comment replies

Liz [ED] and Skinny Jeans: Thanks loves! I’m so excited to have broken into the 140s!

Zen: Are you sure you want to join? In my triumphant happy dance classic moves such as the Electric Slide and the Running Man feature heavily... Leave your sense of shame and decorum at the door my dear!