Rage

Today, I am mostly feeling: ENRAGED.

Today, I fear going outside.

Today, I MAY kill a passerby.

Today, is the THIRD DAY my weight has stubbornly refused to budge downwards.

Therefore, I hate EVERYBODY. The weather is lovely, I HATE the fucking weather. I’m not thin enough for it to be this sunny. I am WAY back on schedule. I FUCKING HATE BEING DISORGANISED.

But what I hate even more than EVERYTHING, is the fact that my rage is ENTIRELY IMPOTENT.

I cannot MAKE my weight slip downwards any faster – I am already eating NOTHING, I can’t eat less than NOTHING. I cannot MAKE my period go away, if I could have it’d already be GONE. And I cannot make my psychiatrist’s appointment come any faster; I must simply wait impatiently until my referral comes.

I HATE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.

Couple that with my decreasing ability to not voice my horrible thoughts and I am wound SO FUCKING TIGHT, if I swallowed some coal, I’m fairly certain that I’d soon crap out a fucking DIAMOND.

*impotent flail of rage*

Starve on, ladies. I certainly am.

PS. I recently discovered the joys of screaming into a pillow. Try it.

CyberFaerie: Don’t worry, my newfound rage isn’t directed at you too, I LOVE comments *hint?*

I understand your reluctance to comment. Despite my blogging, I still feel that I am too fat to start the recovery my doctor keeps not-no-subtly suggesting AND that I’m too fat to legitimately wear the red ribbon around my wrist. For now I am content with a red hair band that I use to hold my hair back when I purge. But, I hope you continue to read and continue to comment :)

I hated fat people while I was overweight too, I don’t think it’s too weird, but somehow I doubt I should be anyone’s moral compass or sanity yardstick. Fucking congratulations on not wanting to be a statistic, it takes dedication to choose to take on a hormonal problem through sheer force of will and I am honestly impressed.

I know my opinions are… somewhat inflammatory, and that is right in there with the limited understanding of Thyroid problems etc, but it’s NEVER where my mind goes first.

Starve on, hun.