Saturday was a fucking train wreck.
The first social event I’ve attended since my self-imposed seclusion indoors and development of my intense distrust of pretty much everybody outside and it’s a BARBECUE. Complete with plastic cheese, copious amounts of bread and many people I don’t know.
Oh… wonderful.
A food based social event? Wow! That DEFINITELY sounds like my idea of relaxing way to spend an afternoon! Sign me up right-fucking-now!
I’m sure I won’t be made horribly uncomfortable by the presence of people I don’t know. I’m SURE I won’t be wracked with barely leashed paranoia and stress the ENTIRE time. Obviously, I won’t be too taken in by the delicious smelling barbecued meat being prepared either. Because I am strong. And I am gifted with copious amounts of self control. OBVIOUSLY.
*sigh*
INSTEAD, I was a paranoid, socially awkward, CONSTANTLY nervously eating MESS.
In my compulsive inability to NOT STOP FUCKING EATING, I packed away a whopping; TWO burgers both with cheese and mayo, a hot dog, an ENTIRE huge bag of Doritos PLUS a whole tub of full fat sour cream dip, and THREE pieces of chicken, each with a piece of fucking bread and cheese. Oh and for some reason, THREE portions of dry-as-fuck, rock solid macaroni cheese.
Eat to distract myself -> Eat to stop anyone from noticing me shaking -> Hate myself -> Gulp water-> Feel disgusted with my lack of self control -> Throw up PAINFULLY upstairs -> Nearly burst into tears bent over the toilet -> Hate myself more -> Promise myself that NOW I would stop. Repeat ad nauseum.
At that ‘fun’ social function I had to purge FIVE TIMES.
Can you say severely bruised, torn and swollen throat?
No?
Me neither. It hurts to speak.
I was MORTIFIED and slunk home in burning shame soon afterwards
WORSE STILL: One of my closest friends ever noticed. And worked out what it meant. AND it was HER birthday.
FUCKSHITFUCKFUCKFUCK! I’m a horrible person.
I can’t believe she found out on her BIRTHDAY, I feel like the WORST fucking friend IMAGINABLE.
Urgh.
Once home and relatively safe, the guilt, residual nausea, mortification and self disgust made my skin crawl – I wanted to rip it off. Again.
I binged again. JUST so I could purge – in a warped attempt to regain control over myself.
*sigh*
And, at no point that day was I even remotely HUNGRY.
Fucking disgusting.
I loathe food.
Au revoir, my skinnies.
3 comments:
This was very heartbreaking to read and very worrisome. Please, please, please be careful. Binging like that stretches out your stomach and purging ruins so much of your digestive system and health. I mean, you hear this all the time, I'm sure. But I can't believe your throat is so sore!
Are you orally fixated and always need to eat food? If you chew gum and brush your teeth and keep your mouth very clean, you might be less tempted to binge. Please be careful. None of us want you to die.
I'm sorry you had a bad day (although I feel like you will think the word 'bad' is an understatement). Social events are hard for all of us. Don't sweat it too much.
Ah crap. What utter fucking hell. I am so sorry your day went to shit like that. I hope your feeling better, physically and emotionally.
Much luv,
xoxo zen
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