I’ve finally sort of secured a laptop and a way in which I can still blog! I don’t expect that you’ve all been waiting such a long time for me to get it together, but I’m still going to write in the faint hope that some of you might still be listening, or that I might win some of you back...
Anyway, as the OCD part of me prompted me to writes detailed notes on the past few months, so that I might regale you all the –and I hesitate to the use the word, but I’m going to run with it – wacky twists and turns of my crazy ED life, I thought that I might split the back story into three, so as not to overwhelm.
This is part one;
To begin with, my medication was changed, and WHOA did it fuck with me big-time. Citalopram is NOT FOR ME. I became crazy, paranoid, anxious, suspicious and terrified; I stopped leaving the house, stopped leaving the ROOM, stopped speaking to ANYONE other than my boyfriend. When he went out, I huddled in the corner of our room under the duvet and hid like a frightened animal. I started to think people were talking about me, watching me, avoiding me, possibly even planning something. Basically, if I’d achieved any more paranoia, I would have needed a tinfoil hat to keep in all my thoughts, you KNOW how the government like to steal them...
So obviously, I was unable to blog, due to my overwhelming suspicion that SOMEONE could be watching me write, reading my thoughts and potentially singling me out for something.... Laugh if you want, retrospectively I find it fucking HILARIOUS.
And as if all of that wasn’t enough, it did the worst thing a medication possibly could do, literally the unthinkable –
IT STOPPED MY FUCKING WEIGHT LOSS.
That part isn’t funny, is it?
I’ll go on answer myself, shall I?
NO! IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!
For the 5 days I was on Citalopram my weight did not budge downwards a SINGLE FUCKING POUND, despite my shiny new fear that someone was tampering with my food – leading to me eating even LESS than normal.
Basically, I went apeshit crazy, marched down to my doctor and DEMANDED my prescription be changed back IMMEDIATELY. She protested for about three seconds, before succumbing to my wrath (and wild eyes, I imagine) and giving me back my Prozac. Amusingly she suggested I return the Citalopram to the pharmacy I got it from. Ha! I flushed that shit down the toilet, never to be seen again.
Following this I think my body might have kicked into high gear – as if to make up for the five days of stagnation – the Ketosis nausea knocked me flat COMPLETELY for about three days. I could honestly barely move enough to weigh myself, but at least the weight FELL off me. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you exactly what my weight was, how much I lost etc, as my ‘Weight Loss’ excel file was corrupted on my laptop when it fucked up. Bad times. I miss my organisational madness like I’d miss a limb :( And OBVIOUSLY that is NOT something I can chart on ANY laptop other than my own private one.
From here I shall segue neatly into the tragic demise of my laptop. It is important for me to clarify here that, upon deep personal reflection, I am no longer angry with my Toshi-chan (YEAH, I named my laptop, and what? She’s a Toshiba and I am QUITE the anime lover (ten lovingly gifted otaku points to anyone who can get the anime reference in my blog name and header picture, and another ten if you know what otaku means :) )and therefore her name is Toshi-chan) The water spill, tragic as it was, was a complete accident and no one’s fault. And god damn my little laptop is struggling on, especially as water got into her motherboard I think, at least when I explained it to the tech man on the phone that’s what he thought (BTW £250 to get it fixed, PLUS £150 to retrieve the data, not including a storage device to put it all on. Are they fucking kidding?!)
But despite all of this, plus a few corrupted files, my little Toshi still lives! Her keyboard doesn’t work – apart from the aforementioned K – but she is almost fully functional! I still watch things on her, download onto her, listen to music on her and even surf the web. The only thing I can’t do unfortunately, is type anything, which makes a life and blogging alike quite complex. The onscreen keyboard suffices so far, and I am getting pretty adept at using it. I’ve got my style down, move the cursor with one hand and click with my other.
This has, however, indicated to me how much I LOVE my laptop. I think I’m a bit unhealthily attached to her... It’s a bit weird. I’ve named her, we know that.
There’s more.
When my boyfriend spilt the water, I fucking crumbled into tears and wails of ‘NOOOOOOOOOO! MY LAPTOP! NOT MY LAPTOP! NOOOOOOOO’
Which degenerated into combined mumbles and gut wrenching wails of ‘NO! IT CAN’T BE! NOT MY LAPTOP! NO! PLEASE MAKE IT BETTER! PLEASE! MAKE IT BETTER! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE NO! IT CAN’T BE TRUE! NO!
So... that was a bit concerning, no?
When the laptop wouldn’t switch on, and whenever it managed to it would grind and whine and cry out with five deafening beeps before switching off again – and my use of language here is both poignant and VERY telling of how mental I am about my laptop – I was inconsolable.
Meanwhile my boyfriend was frantic with worry that I blamed him and apologising almost maniacally, in tears at the thought of me being angry at him. Incidentally I wasn’t. Hand to my heart, I did not, I love him WAY too much to be angry about the laptop, it was an accident (cue mega mushy ohmigod I love him so much moment), so we had the comforting cuddles and hugs and he calmed me down – after TWO HOURS of sobbing. And so Toshi-chan had to be put somewhere. He suggested the floor – I should clarify, our room is tiny, and I have a lot of shit. What is important is where on the floor and how carefully, LOTS of shit unfortunately goes on the floor in various places – but I FREAKED. There was no way I was laying Toshi-chan to rest on the fucking FLOOR. MY Toshi-chan got a space on the SHELF. And a SHROUD.
Oh yes.
Because I love to sew and make things – I made my very own iPhone case, with pretty batik fabric on the outside, padding to protect it if it’s dropped, and lined with lens cleaner fabric to SHINE my phone when it’s pushed in, or pulled out, as I ALSO, made it quite tight so the phone won’t fall out. In a word, it’s BUFF. But alas I digress. But anyway, I had a sizeable section of LUSH burgundy silk left over from something, it was Toshi-chan’s shroud. Draped over her on the shelf, with love and tenderness.
Yeah, I’m completely fucking crazy.
I’ve accepted it.
And so should all of you, or you’re going to be eternally surprised at the depths of mental I am willing to explore
But I am ALSO, a very, VERY fickle creature. And shiny things are hard to resist...
I met my father later that week at Currys, and I am somewhat ashamed to admit that my eye wandered at the shiny hussies, the new laptops displaying their wares like cheap whores. But wander my eyes did and they were all so... pretty. I felt a bit like I was cheating on Toshi but I didn’t get a new one, it’s not that easy to manipulate my dad. But you know, if I’d got one, I’d have transferred all my shit over like a SHOT.
It’s cool, she never has to know.
I still don’t think I could ever throw Toshi-chan away though, that would just be WRONG.
After this, I was a bit weird for a few days, like my head was full of cotton wool. I just couldn’t seem to... concentrate on or finish ANYTHING at all. I don’t even know what else to say about that bit. It was just SO weird, it was like I turned into the complete opposite of who I am, I was vaguely lucid, compliant and quiet.
That was just all wrong,
Anyway, on that odd note, I shall end this here. Next, pt 2! An extravaganza of getting crazier, grudgingly developing a cheat day and THEN, OMG I can’t throw up properly with all these people around, FUCK!
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