Today is a day of BLEH.
The rage has faded from a violent angry RED, to a gentle greyish mauve of mildly annoyed disinterest.
I've FINALLY got my weight back down to 152lbs after the hospital fiasco and I’m down another 0.7lbs from yesterday, which should make me happy. So should the arrival of the halter top I bought from eBay a WEEK ago, and the fact that I look damn hot in it…
But instead, I am left languishing in a sea of apathy, bleh and half-hearted shrugging.
It’s sunny. Do I want to go outside? *shrug*
Play FFXIII? *shrug*
Catch a movie? *shrug*
In fact, the entire purpose of this post is simply say;
Elle: Of course I’m not pissed off with you! Don’t be so silly hun. Considering I haven’t been around for that long (in the blogging world (blogsphere?), I mean), your concern is lovely :) PARTICULARLY educated concern! Concern that isn't simply ‘that’s really bad for you, you know’ – no shit, Sherlock.
But unfortunately, I think I am WAY too invested in the 'vomiting thing', rather than just a desire to get the food out, its now more of a compulsive, MUSTGETITOUTNOW feeling. But my weight is falling steadily, so it does appear to be working for me. Also, according to my doctor, I technically don't have bullimia, as I don't have a regular binge>purge cycle, rather I restrict fairly heavily and fast often, but for appearances sake, often have to eat an evening family meal which I purge thoroughly, with the rinsing. But I think labelling what I do, or what anyone else does, as either anorexia or bulimia is largely irrellevant - the ED is definitely with me to stay, whatever it's called. Oh! And, thank you for the Sunshine Award! It, and what you said about me, totally made my morning :)
Zen and Elle: I’m glad you’re both so amused at my blog. While all the… *ahem* ‘incidents’ weren’t funny at the time, in retrospect – fucking hilarious.
I’ll probably be back on full ranting form tomorrow, however, until then – I wish you all love and skinniness
x
1 comment:
Oh phew! Yes I really did not want to sound like one of those stupid twats that says unhelpful things like that. You just said somehting about daily purging and then with the hospital as well it was like *alarm bells*.
I totally get the compulsive feeling. That's the only reason I purge too. Like last night I'd eaten over an hour ago and it was the only thing I'd had all day so I wasn't even too bothered. But I suddenly started feeling twitchy and anxious like MUST-DO-SOMETHING-TO-GET-RID-OF-THIS-HORRIBLE-ITCHINESS-ALL-OVER-ME and I started clawing at my skin whilst sat on the sofa, which made my housemates think I'd gone mad. So I ran upstairs and purged. Much better. Completely pointless of course. But better.
So yeah, you'll get no judgement from me about that. I just wanted to say something in case it was a weightloss thing 'cause I remember when I first purged I was like WOW THIS IS AMAZING! Now I can just eat crap, woo!*shakes head*
I feel your apathy. It's sunny and I'm sat in bed with the curtains closed. Hope your day picks up xx
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